If you have a child between the ages of 12 and 36 months old, then they can compete in the inaugural Toddler Olympics.
Yes, the Toddler Olympics, brought to you by Gerber, Baby Einstein, and that one toy at the store you refused to get them.
- Refusing to walk
- Coming when called
- Sharing something for a whole five minutes without demanding it back
- Pronouncing the letter “R”
- Cleaning up your toys (In the event that all athletes refuse to clean up their toys, this event will be replaced with the Tantrum marathon.)
- Putting on shoes (One-hour time limit)
- Giving your mother five minute to finish her coffee
- Staying in bed until morning
- Not falling face-first into the coffee table
- Drawing with chalk (Bonus medal points if the drawings are of a recognizable object and not on the wall)
- Catching a ball
- Saying “sorry”
- Finishing an entire story without changing the subject (Each competitor will be allowed 37 false starts before penalization.)
- Watching any movie besides “Frozen”
- Finishing an entire meal at a restaurant without shredding the napkins and/or tablecloth
- Hopping on pop
- Hopping on grand-pop
- Soiling your diaper at the worst possible moment
- Rhythmic gymnastics
Weather permitting; events will be held this Saturday on the front lawn, at the grocery store, playground, and that one Cracker Barrel where you’re still not allowed back.
If weather does not permit, you’ll stay inside and watch “Frozen” again.
Medalists can swap their medals for apple juice and animal cookies. (We are all out of elephant cookies. Do not ask.)
Feel free to recommend other events in the comments or @jasonmarklea.