My ‘Scary Mom’ Voice

You know what I’m talking about. Even if you want to pretend that you always participate in “gentle parenting,” there’s no way. I’m not buying it. It’s unlikely you were raised “gently,” and it’s a fact that you are human. There is no possible way that every day and every time you encounter a challenge with your child’s behavior that you keep your cool, speak softly and lead by example. Every now and then, the “Scary Mom” voice comes out.

Not enough Moms admit to or talk about their Scary Mom voice. We are bombarded with beautiful images on social media of mothers in a meadow laughing hand in hand with their daughters. Mothers tickling their sons somewhere in the regional park systems, with joyous grins on their faces. Sure… we laugh. We have a lot of fun. But those fairytale photo shoots are not an accurate depiction of what life is like as a parent. If only my local photographer was in my kitchen last night… now that would have been an accurate portrayal of what our life is like, albeit not a “framer.”

My niece made a comment to me a few years ago that she had never seen me get mad at my kids. I took it as a huge compliment and smiled. We see her at birthday parties and holidays, and my kids are generally well-behaved when we are not home. I had never had an opportunity to get really mad at them in front of her. I think about that comment all the time, because she probably doesn’t realize I have a Scary Mom voice.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and I lose control… like lose my absolute mind. My Scary Mom voice is a guttural, throaty roar. I literally never even knew I could make the sound, until I had kids. I think I do something with my eyes, too, because I always feel hyper-focused on my kid when I’m screaming like this.

While I’m yelling, I typically feel compelled to start dishing out chores. It doesn’t matter what I’m yelling at my kids for, it seems rational to me in that moment that they should start cleaning the house. I can tell you one thing: Scary Mom voice works 100% of the time. It works so well that I have to have conversations to convince myself that the Scary Mom voice is not actually the way to go. I do believe in teaching through behavior meltdowns, distract and divert techniques, and “naming it to tame it” efforts. Sometimes these parenting tactics even work. But the Scary Mom voice always works, so it is my last and final shot when I have had it up to here with nice talk.

I always, always, always apologize to my kids after I use the voice. Maybe not immediately, but definitely as I’m putting them to bed that night. I tell them that even Mommies lose control. Even I can’t always remember to count to 10 when I am mad, angry or frustrated. They usually tell me, “It’s OK, Mommy,” and make me feel like I am forgiven with a pat on my head.

More Moms should be honest with their friends about their own Scary Mom voices. A friend recently told me about an experience she had with trying to get her daughter where her voice came out. She was confiding in me as if she had done something unspeakable. Her “confession” to me normalized my own Scary Mom voice. I admitted to her that I have one and use it more often than I would prefer. We sat on the phone telling stories about when we use our voices, and it was incredibly reassuring. It was comforting to know I wasn’t the only one.

While my Scary Mom voice is definitely chilling, I think it’s important to bust it out every now and again. My kids can see an adult in their full glory have a temper meltdown… and then watch me apologize for hurting the people that I love the most.