When our youngest daughter Avery was born in 2022, my oldest, Hayley, then 9, was instantly smitten. “She’s perfect! Can I hold her?” she gushed. But 6-year-old Ellie, now our middle child, gave her new baby sister a long stare and asked, completely deadpan, “Can you put her back in your tummy?”
That was my introduction to the wild and wonderful world of parenting a middle child.
If you’re raising a middle child, you probably already know: they’re often the ones with the biggest personalities and the boldest stories. They’re unfiltered, hilarious and full of surprises — and their quest to be seen is real.
The Struggle to Be Seen
In our family, Hayley found her passion in dance, while Avery gets attention just by being the baby. Ellie? She’s in constant pursuit of her “thing” —
anything to set herself apart. She’s tried taekwondo, swim team, tumbling and voice lessons. While she’s poured her heart into each one, she still battles the classic middle child feeling: overlooked.
She’s the first to point out that her clothes are hand-me-downs, that she shares a room, and that teachers sometimes assume they already know her because they taught her big sister.
It’s hard to carve out your own identity when you’re living in someone else’s shadow.
“Middle child syndrome is the idea that middle kids get less attention due to birth order, shaping their personality and relationships,” says Dr. Sandra Whitehouse of the Child Mind Institute. “They often learn to adapt and rely on siblings for support, developing strong relationship skills and independence.”
Interestingly, a 2024 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that birth order has little effect on personality traits like extroversion, emotional stability or agreeableness. The Cleveland Clinic notes that while studies show birth order doesn’t directly shape personality, it can impact how children are treated — and how they feel within the family. Middle children often get less attention as parents focus on the firsts of the oldest and the needs of the youngest.
For kids like Ellie, it’s not about scientific data — it’s about the real, everyday struggle to feel seen and valued in the middle of it all.
A Wake-Up Call
I’ll admit it — there were moments I failed to see Ellie for who she truly is. I was parenting her through the lens of her older sister — not recognizing who she was or what made her unique. Once, during a busy week of carpools and chaos, we genuinely thought we’d lost her… until she casually strolled out of her room. She had been home the entire time, quietly blending into the background.
Moments like that shook me. I realized she didn’t just need more attention — she needed to feel truly seen.
So, I made changes. I started paying closer attention to what she was interested in, listening without distraction and creating one-on-one moments just for her. And slowly, Ellie began to shine.
Helping Your Middle Child Thrive
If you’re navigating life with a middle child, here are a few small ways to make a big impact:
Listen With Intention
Give them your full attention when they talk. Feeling heard builds trust and confidence.
Let Them Lead
Give your middle child opportunities to take charge — whether it’s planning a family activity or helping a younger sibling. Leadership helps them feel capable and valued.
Carve Out One-on-One Time
A regular “just us” outing — even a walk or ice cream run — can mean the world. It tells your child: “You matter.”
Avoid Comparisons
Celebrate them for who they are, not how they measure up to their siblings.
Acknowledge Their Wins
Whether it’s a drawing or a kind gesture, spotlight their efforts. Recognition helps reinforce their sense of self-worth.
Honor Their Individuality
Let them choose their own style, hobbies and space. Even small choices can help them feel in control.
Watch Your Words
Skip the “middle child” label. Refer to them by name, and speak about them in a way that affirms their identity — not their birth order.
Capture Their Milestones
Don’t let the big moments — or the small ones — slip by undocumented. Every child deserves to be in the photo album.
Middle children may not always demand the spotlight, but when you take time to shine one on them, you’ll be amazed at how brightly they glow.
Lori Orlinsky is a freelance writer and award-winning, bestselling children’s book author. The second book in her BEING ME series, “BeingMiddle,” will be released on August 12 — National Middle Child’s Day.
