Have you ever felt like you’re speaking a different language when asking your preschooler to do a simple task? A seemingly simple request, like “Put on your shoes and grab your backpack,” can feel like a different language — or worse, it can spark an epic battle of wills complete with a full-blown meltdown. If you’ve ever felt completely exasperated and unsure of what to do, you’re definitely not alone.
What makes it so hard for preschoolers to follow directions?
Preschoolers, typically ages 3 to 5, are navigating a period of major developmental growth. While their skills and independence are rapidly expanding, there are still many things they are physically and developmentally unable to do.
The first step to helping them follow directions is to ensure they are physically able to do so. Dr. W. Kyle Mudd, a general pediatrician at the Cleveland Clinic, notes that “pediatric well checks aren’t just about vaccines.” During these visits, doctors provide “anticipatory guidance,” letting parents know what to expect in their child’s development, what’s considered normal, and addressing any parental concerns. During these checkups, pediatricians also test the child’s vision and hearing, as these can significantly impact their ability to follow directions.
Beyond physical development, other factors can make it difficult for children to follow directions. According to Mudd, if children aren’t feeling well, have an earache, are sleep-deprived, or are dealing with a major life change such as a new sibling, a move, or a parent’s divorce, “we can expect them to really struggle with following directions.
“We need to give them some slack, because they’re dealing with a fraction of the brain power and ability to follow through with requests.”
Sometimes, the difficulty lies not with the child, but with the way directions are given.
Carrie Serafimov, who has years of experience as a junior kindergarten teacher and now oversees the Early Childhood Program and is the lower school assistant principal at Heritage Classical Academy in Peninsula, says, “A lot of times, adults talk too much. We give three, four or five directions at once and just assume a 3- to 5-year-old child should be able to do it. We need to pull it back.”
The good news is that this is an easy adjustment for parents to make.
Tips parents can use to help their children follow directions
Make sure you have your child’s full attention.
Before giving a direction, get down to the child’s eye level and make eye contact. Gently place a hand on the child’s shoulder or hold their hand to ensure you have their attention.
Try to minimize distractions. Serafimov suggests at home, “Make sure the TV is off when you’re giving directions. If not, that will be a distraction and a barrier to obedience.”
If you’re in a chaotic or loud environment, like a park, consider using a unique tone of voice.
“Whispering the direction or your child’s name, if you’re within close proximity, gets his or her attention by saying it a little bit differently,” Serafimov says. “Always start with your child’s name so he or she knows who you are speaking to.”
Adjust how you give directions
Stick to one direction at a time, or the number that’s developmentally appropriate for your child. A 5-year-old can handle two or maybe three steps, depending on the complexity.
Try giving directions in distance order.
Serafimov offers an example for cleaning a toy room: “If the blocks are the closest, I would ask the child to clean up the blocks first, then the coloring items a little further away, and then across the room to clean up the dolls.”
This helps minimize distractions along the way. After giving the instructions, ask your child to repeat them back to you to ensure understanding.
Use visual aids
Visual aids are staples in preschool classrooms and can be incredibly helpful at home. They can be used to help children stay on track and reduce parent and child frustration. You can order visual aids online or create your own charts for morning and nighttime routines. The visual aid should show each step in order. Walk your child through the chart and explain each step, then place it in a logical spot.
“If you have a bedtime routine visual aid, it shouldn’t be in the kitchen,” Serafimov says.
Manage transitions smoothly
Transitions from one activity to another can be difficult for children.
Mudd recommends putting yourself in your child’s shoes.
“I think sometimes parents forget children are people,” he says. “We would get pretty angry if someone just took our laptop while we were in the middle of something and closed it.”
Give your children a warning, like “Five minutes until we leave.” If your children are in the middle of an activity or game, allow them to finish the task, which provides a sense of closure. Being aware of what your children are involved in before giving a directive can greatly increase their compliance.
Communicate expectations in advance
As parents, we often assume our children can infer our expectations, but that’s not the case.
Serafimov suggests setting expectations ahead of time and even turning it into a game. First, parents can describe the place or activity. Then ask your child prompts like:
“Can you please tell me how we should act while we are there?”
“What are some things I can do as a mom to make this go smoothly?”
“What can you do to help this go smoothly?”
“How do you think we are going to leave?”
For example, before heading to the park, parents can say, “We are going to stay for one hour. When we have five minutes left, I will let you know. Then, when I say, ‘Joe, it’s time to go,’ I don’t want any distractions or disagreements. Why don’t you tell me what your reaction is going to be when I say it’s time to go?”
When your child processes the request and tells you what leaving well looks like, he is not just listening — he or she is thinking and processing ahead of time. This helps parents communicate expectations more clearly and increases the success of the outing.
Additionally, be clear about the consequences.
Serafimov suggests saying, “If we leave well, we can come back and do this again. If we don’t, we’re not going to do this outing again for a while.” Parents can also revisit a past outing that didn’t go well and ask their children what could happen this time to make it go better. This helps children learn to think through their choices.
Know your child
Understanding how your child reacts to different situations helps parents give directions in the most effective way. Ask yourself:
How does he or she react to different situations?
How does lack of sleep affect them?
How does outside stimuli affect them?
How do certain foods affect mood?
When a child seems rebellious, knowing your child helps get to the root of the issue.
Before jumping to conclusions or getting frustrated, pause and ask yourself: Is this a miscommunication? Is my child distracted? Does my child physically feel equipped to follow this direction?
Sometimes, a child is being genuinely disobedient. In those moments, Serafimov advises holding the child accountable and having a calm conversation.
Ask: “Why don’t you want to do this? What is it that you want to do that’s not the direction I’ve given you?” Parents may decide to modify their instructions, or they may need to apply a consequence to teach the child about obedience.
Red flags to watch for
In some cases, a child’s consistent inability to follow instructions may signal a deeper issue, such as a developmental or cognitive challenge. If you have concerns, speak with your pediatrician or your child’s preschool teacher to determine if a follow-up evaluation is necessary.
Staying the Course: Patience and consistency are key
Helping your child follow directions can be a frustrating and draining process. As Serafimov reminds us, “Preschoolers are notorious for pushing boundaries. They want to do things their own way and in their own time, so please be patient and consistent. This is difficult, but parents, you can do it. You’re equipped to guide and lead your children.”
The foundation you’re laying now will pay off in the long run by preparing your child for success in school and later in life.
Mudd adds, “Kids can become oppositional when we ask too much of them and they are constantly being told they are doing something wrong.”
He stresses developmentally appropriate expectations and patience are a must.
“Our typical responses to our children not following directions are often influenced by how we were raised,” he says. “Developing these new skills of patience and setting appropriate expectations may require a lot of inner work, rewiring and reteaching ourselves how to respond, which is difficult, but very important if we want to raise well-adjusted children.”
