Our children are growing up in a world where technology seems to be ever-present — from smartphones and AI to social media and gaming. As parents, we are constantly trying to navigate what’s safe and what boundaries will keep our children protected. But setting those boundaries isn’t always easy, especially when other people that our children will be around operate by different rules. So, how do we navigate these conversations when friends or family don’t share our digital boundaries?
Nicole Levy, superintendent of The Lutheran Schools of Ohio, suggests the first step is a shift in perspective. “I think the most important thing is to make it about your family, not about someone else’s choices. Every family is trying to do what they believe is best for their kid. In our family, we’ve decided to limit access to screens and phones. Every family makes the choices that work best for them, and this is what works for us right now.”
Dr. Kate Eshleman, pediatric psychologist at Cleveland Clinic Children’s, adds that tech boundaries are often just an extension of the rules we already use.
“I think that, from a young age, kids realize that things are different in their own home than they may be in other homes,” Eshleman says. “If we think of tech as just part of that, it can be a helpful approach.”
The Importance of Sharing the ‘Why’ Behind the Boundaries
Starting at a young age, Eshleman advises parents to talk to their kids about the reasoning behind the rules. For a younger child, she says it’s usually enough to use a simple statement like, “We have rules about the games you play to keep you safe.” As children get older, she notes that parents can provide more detail about specific risks.
While explaining the “”why” is helpful, parents must also be comfortable with the fact that children won’t always be satisfied with the answer.
“‘Because I said so’ is very unsatisfying for kids, but sometimes that’s the truth,” she says. “Other times they need to know the risks of their choices and the potential consequences.”
Understanding those risks can equip children to withstand peer pressure once they hit middle or high school.
“If they understand what the potential consequences are, they’re more likely to make the decision that aligns with the rules that have been set in your family,” Eshleman says.
Boundaries do need to exist alongside open communication. Keeping these lines of communication open ensures that if a child does break a rule or encounters something negative at a friend’s house, then the child feels safe coming back to talk about it.
Eshleman recommends giving kids scripts for these moments when they are exposed to a tech situation that is different from their household’s rule. When this arises, children can feel empowered to say, “I’m not allowed to watch those things at home. Can we do something else?”
She emphasizes that children need to understand, “The goal is not for you to be in trouble, the goal is for you to be safe.”
Navigating the Social Landscape
Unfortunately, technology can impact social connection or inclusiveness among children. When a child isn’t allowed to play a popular game or join a group chat, that child can feel isolated from peers.
“Access to technology absolutely affects social dynamics,” Levy says. “When that happens, kids without access can feel left out, even if no one intends to exclude them.”
Dismissing a child’s feelings in these situations usually backfires.
Levy suggests acknowledging the frustration. “I understand why this feels frustrating and unfair. We have chosen this boundary because we believe it is best for you right now.”
She also reminds parents that “social standing is not built solely on devices,” and that confidence and in-person social skills are still the most vital tools a child can have.
When a child starts missing out on real social opportunities, Eshleman suggests exploring whether a middle ground exists. Rather than a hard “no,” consider a “yes, with conditions.” This might mean allowing 30 minutes of a game if played in the living room, where you can oversee the interactions. A similar approach could be taken for a group chat. The children can text from a parent’s phone, use Facebook Messenger for Kids, or install a landline.
“There are ways to facilitate socialization without giving up on rules that we feel very strongly about,” she says.
Communicating with Other Adults
One of the biggest challenges is managing tech during playdates or sleepovers. Levy advises parents to keep these requests for the other adult to adhere to your family’s tech boundaries “short, simple and non-confrontational.”
She suggests a script like: “In our family, we try to limit internet and gaming access. We would prefer the kids stick to screen-free play while they are together.”
Eshleman recommends approaching these discussions with “curiosity.” She provides the example: “At our house, we don’t take phones into the bedroom at night. I wanted to check in and see what your rules are and make sure you’re comfortable with me collecting phones at 8 p.m.?” If the other parent isn’t comfortable with your request, you then have to decide if you are willing to bend or if the environment isn’t the right fit right now.
If you find the differences too difficult to navigate, Levy suggests becoming the “host house” — explaining that “when you host, you naturally have more oversight.”
When Boundaries are Ignored
What happens when well-meaning relatives or friends repeatedly ignore your rules? Levy suggests using “if/then” statements: “If you continue to post pictures of my kids without permission, we are going to have to stop visits for a while.”
However, parents must also accept that not every boundary will be perfectly followed elsewhere. You have to decide how much you are willing to accept.
“If this is something that feels very important to us and others are not willing to enforce the same rules, then we probably have to limit our children’s time with those people,” Eshleman says.
But life isn’t straight forward. She points out that if you need a grandparent to watch the kids while you work and you know they’ll be on screens, you may have to accept that compromise because “sometimes we don’t have an option.”
Knowing When to Re-evaluate
Eshleman says goals can change — perhaps a game you once banned, once you learned more about it, is now something you play together as a family. However, before saying “yes” or “no” to a new app or game, she recommends taking the time to learn how it’s structured and what parental controls are available. Conversely, if a game, app or technology has historically been allowed, but has begun to negatively impact the child, then it’s time to take a break.
“Rather than focusing on strict enforcement of goals, it is more important to communicate about the reasons behind our choices,” she says.
Accountability of Boundaries
Tackling tech boundaries is difficult and can cause conflict with both our children and the adults in our lives.
“Everything we talk about is much easier said than done,” Eshleman says. “The key is to stay educated, communicate well and listen.”
Levy advises parents to remember that navigating this world starts with us. By modeling healthy habits and sharing why we hold the boundaries that we do, we help our children move toward the ultimate goal of independence.
“Ultimately, children will need to internalize the healthy habits and boundaries as their own if we expect them to make good choices when we are not around,” she says. “Ideally, the boundaries won’t change much, but instead the responsibility for holding the boundary will gradually shift from the parent to the child.”
This article is part of our 2026 Tech Series. Check out “How to Keep Kids Safe Online.”
