You said “no,” and you meant it. But then they cried, pushed back or looked just so devastated, and suddenly you were explaining yourself for 20 minutes. I get it. We’ve all been there.
It could be about more screen time, staying up later, having a friend over. It doesn’t matter what. Saying no to our kids, at any age, can be hard. It’s hard to disappoint them, hard to see them upset, hard to know it might trigger a meltdown you’ll have to deal with. Maybe you keep telling yourself it’s going to be different next time. You weren’t going to give in. You started out well, you set the limit, and you said no. But it’s sticking to it that’s the challenge.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. What if they never forgive me? I cannot do this all day with them.
And just like that, you’re more distressed than they are. So you give in instead of holding the limit. Let’s talk about what’s really happening and how to change it.
Why This Happens
Sometimes we give in because we want to keep the peace. There’s a difference between the one-off moments where you just need to get out the door and a pattern of avoiding “no” to manage either their discomfort or your own. Sometimes it’s not wanting your child to be mad at you. Sometimes it’s simply easier to say yes, and you’re picking your battles. That’s reasonable, but it’s worth asking: is there a pattern to which battles you avoid, and is that pattern robbing your kid of building a skill?
What’s Really Going On
What could be happening is you are distress intolerant. This is the perception that you can’t handle feeling emotionally uncomfortable, so you avoid it. We’re referring to a pattern of behavior, not those one-off moments. The pattern of behavior (in this case, saying no) is getting in the way of how you want to parent.
The distress is the discomfort of seeing your child upset, even when you know the limit is in their best interest. Because you’re uncomfortable, you default to over-explaining why you said no, or you give in. Either way, you end up upset with yourself for not holding your limit. This is when we want to learn how to get more comfortable being uncomfortable, so you can hold your limit no matter what. By increasing our distress intolerance, we give our kids the chance to learn how to navigate their own distress.
Tips for Building Your Distress Tolerance
To build your distress tolerance, or your capacity to feel uncomfortable feelings without reacting to them, you need to practice how you say no. I know that sounds strange. But instead of seeing it as something to dread, what if you approached it with curiosity? When you’re told no, you probably feel upset, disappointed, frustrated. So when you tell your kid no, you’re giving them the chance to develop the same skill. They’ll learn how to move through those feelings instead of around them.
Think gently but firmly as you establish the boundary.
- Use as few words as possible
- Expect them to be disappointed because that’s OK
- Give them space for their mood to pass
Remember you are the emotional mirror for your children. What message are you sending if you jump in and rescue them?
This is the heart of what I call “Just Do Nothing” — not doing nothing about the situation, but doing nothing with the discomfort it brings up in you. Keep in mind this is a skill we want to practice.
Joanna Hardis, LISW, is a cognitive behavioral therapist in Shaker Heights. A mother of three herself, Joanna combines years of everyday parenting experience with professional training in the areas of anxiety; changing family dynamics, such as divorce; and obsessive-compulsive and eating disorders, all in an effort to support, coach and empower parents of behaviorally challenging kids. Joanna earned her undergraduate degree at Cornell University in New York and a master’s degree from Cleveland’s Case Western Reserve University.
