The loss of a baby is something people don’t always talk freely about, but the truth is it happens pretty frequently.
Among women who know they are pregnant, up to 25 percent, or 1 in 4 pregnancies will result in a miscarriage, according to the National Library of Medicine.
Doctors have said that the number could be even higher, because miscarriages often occur early in pregnancy, and can happen before a person knows they’re pregnant.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the term “miscarriage” is a naturally occurring event that refers to the unexpected loss of a baby before the 20th week of a pregnancy. Most miscarriages occur because the fetus is not developing normally. Many people who experience miscarriages go on to have healthy pregnancies.
A pregnancy loss from the 20th week of pregnancy or later is defined as a “stillbirth.” A stillbirth is a death of a baby that can occur before or during delivery.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics have indicated that about 24,000 babies are born stillborn in the United States each year.
Symptoms of an early pregnancy loss can include severe cramping, bleeding and spotting. Even after being diagnosed with a miscarriage, some women can still feel pregnant. If women have questions, or concerns, they should seek their health care provider.
The MetroHealth System recently started a pregnancy loss support group, and the first meeting was held in June. Dorsena Koonce, manager, media communications at MetroHealth, founded the group after she experienced a pregnancy loss.
“I found out that I was pregnant a couple of days after Valentine’s Day, and my husband, Andrew, and I had been trying for over a year,” she says of her first pregnancy. “It was kind of a shock, because we had gone through the fertility clinic, but we didn’t start any treatment yet.”
She was diagnosed with a miscarriage at eight weeks when there was no fetal heartbeat.
“When I was first told I was going to miscarry, I was shocked,” she says. “I know that there’s a chance that can happen, but you don’t go into a pregnancy thinking, ‘I’m going to miscarry.’ It was quite a shock, and I wanted to know what to do. Like, ‘Where can I go?’ ‘How do you cope?’ I had never lost anyone in my life. I’ve lost a couple of people that I really wasn’t that close with in my family, but this was my first loss. So, I had no idea what the grieving process was even like.”
Koonce says she wanted to know who to talk to, and what are the next steps, and she felt like there was very little guidance for that. Medically, she had a great care team, but emotionally, Koonce says, she felt like she was left to deal with it on her own.
“So, I decided to start this group at MetroHealth,” she says. “Because I work here, I know there are a lot of patients, who, maybe, are in my shoes, where they don’t know where to turn, and I wanted to be able to provide something for patients, and I wanted it to be free, because I know cost is sometimes a barrier when it comes to healthcare, and pregnancy loss is a part of healthcare.”
“It was hard because I don’t think it had really set in what had happened. I wanted to reach out to people, because I knew how I felt at that moment, and though it was so early in the grieving process for me. I felt like this was something I had to do. If someone hears this news, it changes things for you. I was in complete shock. So, I wanted to be able to get women in that moment, and to be able to reach them in that moment, when they are thinking, ‘What’s next?’ ‘What am I going to do?’ I think that was my driving factor, and that’s what got me through moments, where I was like, ‘This is really too hard for me.”
After an early pregnancy loss, families face the physical loss, but there’s also emotional pain that comes with the loss.
Often, women have a lot of questions, and asking the questions in friend groups and communities can sometimes be stigmatized. It’s not always something women want to bring up, or they’re open about.
It’s an isolating experience, because it’s very personal to you, Koonce explains.
“You never got to meet your baby, so you’re like, okay, how do I process something I was never able to see, or hold, or anything,” she says. “I think that stigma comes from women feeling like something’s wrong with them, because, for the most part, women have children, and that’s what our bodies are made for. That’s what we can do. It’s a miracle, it’s beautiful, and it’s all of these things, and when you’re not able to do that, sometimes, it can feel like something’s wrong with you.”
After losing a baby, it can be helpful for mothers to talk to someone who understands the loss and how they are feeling, explains Allison Remy, Joanie and Tom Adler Endowed director of Parent Bereavement Programs at UH Rainbow Babies & Children’s and UH MacDonald Women’s hospitals.
“A friend, family member, or grief counselor is someone who can walk with a grieving mother on that journey, and help to provide what they need in the moment,” she says. “Often, that person provides a listening ear.”
Sometimes, families may have other children at home, and it can be hard to have a conversation about pregnancy loss with them.
“Because I was early, I was eight weeks, I hadn’t told anybody I was pregnant yet except for my husband,” Koonce says. “So, my parents found out I was pregnant and miscarrying at the same time. I didn’t know how they would react, or what they could do, because people ask, ‘What can I do to help?'”
People may also have questions about how to bury, or cremate their baby, and how to do that.
Maybe a family would like to have handprints or footprints made of their baby, pictures, or they want their baby to be baptized.
“Pretty much every baby book I’ve ever read doesn’t have a chapter on what to do if your baby dies,” Remy says. “So, I do try to focus on what people need at the moment.”
Koonce says she wanted the “Early Pregnancy Loss Support Group” to be free, accessible, and available at MetroHealth. After she gained the support of hospital officials, she knew she wanted to offer grief counseling as part of the program, so she reached out to Cornerstone of Hope, which is a local organization that does grief counseling and they offer a lot of support groups.
“If I can be just a small piece of that healing process, then it’s worth it. So, I think that is what pushed me to keep going, even when it was really hard for my family,” Koonce says. “In that situation, I’m not just looking for how the procedure is going to go. I’m looking for, OK, ‘what do I do after that?’ I’m going to wake up, and unfortunately, not be pregnant anymore, and now, I want to know, ‘what are my next steps?’”
“For me, it’s part of my healing, and I have to talk about it,” she adds. She encourages others to talk about their experiences. “All of those feelings you’re having are okay.” It’s healing to talk about your baby, and mention your baby by name. When you do that, you find out you’re not alone.
“My advice would be to talk about your baby, because your baby existed,” Koonce says.
Support Resources
Birthing Beautiful Communities offers a workshop that meets two hours weekly for both group and individual sessions that last six to eight weeks. Virtual and in-person classes are available, and the workshops are free to Cuyahoga County residents. For details, call 216-308-7592, or email [email protected].
Brooks’ Bereavement Bears offer hope and comfort to families after a pregnancy loss. To donate, or to reach out to Taylor for a bear, email [email protected], or go to www.brooksbereavementbears.com.
The Butterfly Suite at Cleveland Clinic Akron General The Butterfly Suite at Cleveland Akron General provides a quiet place for a family that has experienced a loss during pregnancy. The large, secluded, home-like suite was designed to meet the needs of the patient and their families. The suite is divided into three sections – a family room, a bedroom and a bathroom. To learn more, visit thebutterflysuite.org.
Cornerstone of Hope offers an “Early Pregnancy Loss Support Group” at MetroHealth for birthing people and their partners who have experienced early pregnancy loss. Sessions will be held in Rammelkamp at Metrohealth’s Main Campus on the first Wednesday of every month from 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Participants should register in advance at www.metrohealth.org/pregnancy-care. A special gift will be provided to attendees. Cornerstone of Hope is dedicated to providing support, education, and hope for the grieving. For more on Cornerstone of Hope’s support and services, go to cornerstoneofhope.org. To obtain a resource brochure, email Dorsena Koonce at [email protected]
Forever My Baby You’ll Be
The group’s mission is to offer comfort and hope to grieving families and couples who have lost an infant by providing information, guidance, and support following a loss. For more information, or to connect with Forever My Baby You’ll Be, go to www.fmbyb.org.
Forget-Me-Not Baskets provide families who have experienced a loss during pregnancy, birth, or soon after, with items of support, comfort and remembrance. The baskets contain items for moms, dads, siblings and grandparents. For more information about the schedule of upcoming programs or to sign-up for the newsletter, check out www.forgetmenotbaskets.com/loved-lost-remembered-programs.
Parent Bereavement Program at University Hospitals
For more information about UH Parent Bereavement Program, visit uhhospitals.org/rainbow/services/pediatric-palliative-care-center/services/parent-bereavement-program. Also, email [email protected] or call 216-844-8254 for bereavement support or resources.
