If you’ve spent any time around a toddler, you’ve likely heard one word more than any other: “No!” From refusing to get dressed to pushing back at bedtime, that tiny two-letter word can make a big appearance in daily life — and it turns out, it’s an important part of growing up.
According to Dr. Shivani Joshi, a pediatrician at the Twinsburg office of Akron Children’s Pediatrics, toddlers aren’t being stubborn for the sake of it. “They typically hear ‘no’ a lot around this age, and they are starting to gain independence,” she says. “They finally see themselves as their own person, not just an extension of their parents, and they want to test their limits.”
A Sign of Independence – Not Defiance
When toddlers discover that they can make choices, “no” becomes one of their favorite words. “This is an early sign of independence,” Joshi explains. “The reasoning part of their brain is not there yet!”
So, what are toddlers really trying to say when they push back? “They want things, but they usually can’t express it yet,” she says. “They want to feel in control and are learning how to be themselves.”
Turning ‘No’ into Cooperation
While this stage can test parents’ patience, it’s also a great time to teach communication skills. Joshi recommends offering choices instead of yes-or-no questions. “You can think about putting things into three categories: green, yellow and red,” she says. “Green is something you can always say yes to, red is always a hard no, and yellow is trickier — sometimes yes, sometimes no. Try to keep it consistent.”
Distraction and redirection also work well, especially with younger toddlers. “If they’re in the ‘I do it!’ phase and you have the flexibility, let them try,” Joshi suggests. “If you don’t have time, you can say, ‘You can do it once, then let me help you,’ or ‘Today I need to help, but next time it’s your turn.’”
Helping Toddlers Feel Heard
Even when the answer is no, toddlers want acknowledgment.
“Praise cooperation, label emotions and help them name what they’re feeling,” Joshi says. “Parents should be comfortable with kids expressing unhappiness – it’s part of learning how to communicate.”
By respecting a child’s growing independence while staying calm and consistent, parents can turn power struggles into teachable moments. “When children feel seen and heard, they’re more likely to cooperate,” she adds.
When the ‘No’ Phase Ends
The good news? This stage doesn’t last forever.
“Tantrums and the ‘no’ phase can start as early as nine to 10 months, typically peak between 18 to 30 months, and start to decrease around ages 4 to 5,” Joshi says. “The average tantrum only lasts about three minutes.”
So the next time your toddler says “no,” remember — it’s not defiance, it’s development. With patience, empathy and a few creative choices, that little word can lead to big growth.
