Sibling fights are normal. Can you remember a time when you were younger and you argued with your sibling over clothes, or the TV remote, or who was going to have that last bit of cake? Chances are, you probably answered yes. While sibling rivalry is common at any age, it is important for parents to be aware of how to referee sibling battles and how to help remedy the argument. We share how parents can develop conflict resolution skills and how to teach those skills to their children.
“People don’t realize that sibling rivalry starts at the moment that you bring that new baby home,” explains Nanekia Ansari, owner/operator of Just One Hot Mom Coaching services. “You’re bringing somebody new into the family and this person requires your full attention. So, if you have a kid that’s one-years-old, that’s used to having your full attention on them, and then you bring in this new person who requires so much of the entire family, it starts there.”
“Sibling fights are not uncommon,” adds Sarah Hope Lincoln, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University and a licensed clinical psychologist with the Center for Evidence Based Treatment. “Conflict between siblings does not indicate severe psychopathology. Conflicts happen. I would say an actual back and forth conflict is going to start happening around age 2-3. An actual conflict verbally back and forth is going to be when you have a little bit more language development in both kids.”
Children will quarrel — these things happen. Observe your children and see how they communicate with one another.
“You have to let them figure out what their relationship is outside of you because that lays the foundation of how they’re going to communicate as they grow up,” Ansari says. “If you’re always butting in, one of them is going to assume that you’re taking a side. In actuality, when we step in and we try to figure things out, siblings don’t learn conflict resolution, and they don’t learn their relationship with each other and how to depend on each other.”
Resolving Conflicts
While some parents may argue that it is better to separate the children, wait for them to cool down, and then have them talk it out, other parents may argue that it is better for parents to intervene right away and have the children talk to each other immediately to work things through. Parenting is not a one size fits all – customize conflict resolution based on what works best for your children.
“You don’t want to ignore the fight,” Lincoln says. “You don’t want to just let it go. You also don’t want to punish the children because there is a conflict. It’s okay to have consequences for inappropriate behavior like hitting, but it’s okay for kids to have disagreements. So really what a parent should do is separate them a little bit, help them calm down, take a deep breath, do whatever they know their kids need to do to calm down. Then, you want to function as a coach or a mediator. Because if you can use it as an opportunity for kids to learn, problem solve, or regulate their emotions, what you’re doing is helping them develop good social and emotional skills. So, you’d have them calm down, and then you’d ask them each to describe their perspective of what happened and help them figure out what their individual goals are, what do they want, what do they need, and then help them think through how they could resolve the situation.”
A young child should understand to not hit their sibling or to not touch something that isn’t theirs. Introduce these topics early on so children know how to communicate with one another when conflict does arise.
“Tell them that their words are hurtful and make me feel sad,” Ansari says. “You’re having those conversations with them when they can understand what you’re saying. Then, you can start conflict resolution because then you can say ‘Hey, when you hit your sister that hurt her, and we don’t do that.’ It’s not a guilt trip. I don’t make my children feel guilty about it. It’s a corrective action to that behavior.”
When Fights Go Too Far
Sibling fights should never get physical – never allow your children to hit one another or engage in physical fighting. There are some red flags that parents should look out for when their children are fighting.
“(A) red flag is when something simple sets a child off,” Ansari says. “If every time your sibling does something, and there’s no period of understanding, or walking away, that’s an issue. You and your child need to sit down and need to start having some conversations and interventions about how you can help your child manage their anger, because that’s an issue.”
“Constant conflict or conflict that is ongoing, particularly severe conflict that involves physical aggression, any type of coercion and destruction of property on multiple occasions might require some kind of additional support,” Lincoln says. “When kids are depressed, sometimes they’re more irritable. One of the criteria for kids having depression is that they could be sad or down or lose interest in activities, but sometimes they just get more irritable. So if there’s something else going on, you would see chronic conflict over and over again that’s not responding to interventions.”
Parenting for All
While it is important to bring up conflict resolution conversations as early as possible, many families are blended families and some siblings may be half siblings, step siblings, or foster siblings. Some siblings may be a lot older than their siblings. Not every parent will parent their child the same way.
“My youngest daughter is 10 and has four siblings outside of me,” Ansari says. “I’ve always told them that it is my job to show you all love regardless of who gave birth to you. So whenever they argue, I still apply the same rules I use with my kids, as far as separating and the conversation I use with them. I make it clear with the other parents that there is an issue and I talk to them about this. As much as they are siblings, they’re being raised very differently because we’re all different as parents, and so it’s up to the parents to decide on how they approach conflict.”
“Some children might say you’re treating me unfairly because I’m older and I should know better,” Lincoln says. “What you really want a parent to be able to do is help them figure out how to resolve it. And if the resolution comes from them, they’re less likely to say ‘well, that isn’t fair. ‘ So if there was a strong divide that the kids were feeling, you could have both parents or a more neutral party, do it together. So again, the goal is to mediate, but if you felt like the kids were having a hard time trusting one parent versus another, especially in a newly blended family, you could wait until you had both parents in place or an older sibling who’s more neutral or something like that.”
Remember that sibling fights are normal. Take a deep breath and relax — you will figure this out as a family.
“I really wish that parents would give themselves some grace,” Ansari says. “It’s not your fault that they don’t get along.”
