Days are busy with schoolwork, after school activities and family responsibilities. It can feel complicated and overwhelming at times, especially as you and your middle schooler navigate these years. You might be asking yourself how can you simplify and support your tween’s development.
Elisa Hennies, youth development director at the Lake County YMCA. “E” as she is known, has been working with youth for 25 years shares its importance to foster self-sufficiency in our children.
“Independence is an essential part of a youth’s journey,” she says. “While developing the skills to gain independence, that inherently engages them in self-discovery. Youth discover what values they are passionate about, as well as what they value most in life. In addition to self-discovery, growth in independence also helps grow confidence. That self-confidence goes hand in hand with their self-discovery. Having that confidence to be their unique selves is key.”
Here are some practical tips to help your tween build skills towards independence.
What advice do you have for parents in terms of their role in helping their child make their own decisions and take primary care for areas of their lives (i.e., schoolwork, communicating with a coach, etc.)?”
Hennies: “Respect your child and see them as competent individuals to build their confidence and that their words and feelings matter. Validating showing empathy for their feelings is important. Pre-teens and teens are going through a roller coaster of emotions during that time, and they are just looking for a safe person that will listen to and support them. Being a good listener and guiding your child (allowing them to talk through it by utilizing open ended questions) rather than deciding for them or telling them their decision is inadequate is also key.”
“Finally, establishing boundaries and consistency is a great lesson and guide for growth of these skills. While they do not know it, youth crave boundaries/structure/routine, etc. Will they push those boundaries? Of course! Didn’t you? As a parent, by setting those boundaries and being clear and consistent with your expectations, your child will start to gain their own internal discipline, respect, and responsibility, as well as guide them back to those values that are important to them.”
Where should parents start?
Hennies: “Talk things out with your child. Coach them through their decisions or conflicts, allowing them to figure it out for themselves, but with your support and guidance.”
She suggests the following::
Be a good listener, keep open dialogue and let the “feels” flow.
Show love and support in all situations.
Remember, respect is a two-way street.
Set clear and consistent boundaries and expectations.
How can parents provide your child with space and opportunities to gain experience in being self-sufficient?
Hennies: “Help your child get organized. Think about what makes your child tick and will engage them in getting organized: a wipe board? A notebook? An app? Encourage your child to make a list of upcoming tasks and activities. Map out each day and items due and activities. This can include school work as well as extracurricular activities, as well as family and friend fun. Under each activity, encourage your child to note needed items. These can include items like books or sports equipment.
With each opportunity for self-reliance, have a quick check in and ensure your child understands and can break down their responsibilities into bite sized bits. What do they need to do? Prepare something? Communicate something?
As much as possible, establish daily routines that build in opportunities for independence. These can be anything from setting their alarm clock, preparing their lunch, to ensuring they have everything they need in their backpack for school the next day.
Continue to monitor, check-in and coach and help your child learn from both their successes and failures. If they forget something, do not panic. Be calm, supportive and provide the opportunity for them to make things right and learn from their oversight.”
Every parent wants to see their child successful, in whatever success looks like for them, so helping them grow with little snippets of independence along the way will lay that foundation,” Hennies says. “Opportunities for independence will help the youth grow in skills such as responsibility, decision making, problem solving and resilience.”