I once complimented a man on his kayak. He thanked me and asked if I had one. I told him that I could never fit one in my garage.
He laughed and said, “I live in a 1-room apartment. If you wanted a kayak, you’d have a kayak.”
In one quip, I realized that I didn’t want a kayak. I wanted an infinite life where I could take my kids kayaking, teach them Spanish, and do all those other dad things that transform children into Nobel laureates.
Do you ever find yourself doing this? Berating yourself for not teaching your kids how to play piano or identify birds by their songs. The goal — though we never phrase it this way — is to give them infinite options.
And that’s not how life works. Life is finite.
Our kids’ futures would be limited no matter what — even if we were the second coming of John James Audubon. Because we’re humans, and we only get one life of indiscriminate length — “Infinite possibilities” was never a possibility.
But I chased this irrational goal for years. I’d stuff my children’s free time with “enrichment activities” in hopes that it might pay off in a job interview or on Jeopardy one day.
It made my kids tired and me grouchy.
Maybe you don’t need this advice. Perhaps, you’ve never helicoptered or snowplowed for your progeny or woken up at 2 a.m. and worried because your child only speaks one language and that won’t impress the admissions board at Dartmouth.
But I need this advice sometimes, so I’m giving it to myself. You’re welcome to listen too, if it helps you.
Your children will only have one childhood. Don’t schedule it away.
You don’t need to maximize their — or your — time for them to be happy, successful adults.
Find those two or three things that matter the most to them, and forgive the other stuff.
They won’t get everything done, but they’ll have time to discover who they are. And then! Then you can encourage them on the path they found for themselves.
We — you, me, our kids — don’t need to be perfect. Perfection is a kayak too big to be practical.
Find those things that actually matter to you. Fill your life with them. Let your kids do the same.
And if it’s kayaking… you’ll find the room to stash their boat.
