Between the everyday demands of parenting and the mental load of managing a household, it is easy for mothers to view friendships as a luxury or just another item on the to-do list.
Karen Townsend, therapist at Abundant Life Counseling, says these connections are beneficial for us and that, even though they may “get messy” at times, they can be good for our mental and emotional health.
“You are a person before you’re a mom, wife, or any other role you have,” she says. “You’re a human being who needs other connections and extra support.”
Why Friendships are Important
Maintaining friendships is vital to remembering who you are as an individual, according to Dr. Chivonna Childs, a psychologist at Cleveland Clinic.
“Connection to others is important as it provides psychologically safe spaces, support and overall well-being when we are with the right people,” Childs says.
These friendships can benefit the mother and her children because of the positive impact on the mom’s mental health and overall well-being and support system friendships can provide, she adds.
Lindsey Howard, a mom of two, teacher, and leader of a church-based mom group, notes that these bonds help moms avoid the isolation of parenting.
“Friendship in motherhood provides a sense of solidarity when we feel alone in what we’re going through,” she says. “Encouragement and a sense of community are important.”
These friendships often serve as a much-needed encouragement in periods of doubt.
“I think even if we don’t admit it, all moms at some point wonder if they’re doing anything well,” Howard says. “Friendships help to put things into perspective.”
Building Your Community
Motherhood can change how we interact with old friends, especially those who do not have children, but Childs notes that these changes don’t have to mean the end of a friendship.
“We can learn to adjust as we go through life changes,” she says. She suggests inviting existing friends into your new world, whether that is asking them to simply sit and listen or asking for help with daily tasks. For those looking to expand their village, Childs recommends mother-oriented support groups as ideal places to build new connections.
However, she warns that because new motherhood is a vulnerable space, you should choose “people you feel psychologically safe with, surrounding yourself with people you trust with your feelings and have shown they can honor the friendship.”
When building your friendship circle, Howard suggests starting with those in a similar phase of life.
“I think when you’re in the early stages of motherhood, having friends that are moms of younger children is ideal,” Howard says. “There’s so much that you second guess, and play dates are a great distraction, but seasoned moms offer great insight and fun, too.”
Childs encourages moms to find friends who share the same values and morals, such as a “friend that exhibits qualities that would make people feel safe, seen and heard.”
Townsend adds moms can also find meaningful connection with empty-nesters or women without children, in addition to women with children that are the same age.
Taking the First Step
Finding these connections often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. If your children are in activities, Howard suggests reaching out to a fellow mom on the soccer team or at the school event.
“These are organic ways to make connections,” she says. “Start with offering to set up a play date and see where it takes you.”
Howard found her own community by getting plugged into a structured mom group through church.
“It can be intimidating, trying to strike up conversation, even as adults,” she says. “So, in the structured space there was plenty of opportunity for conversation and fellowship.”
If a group isn’t available, she suggests making a hobby or activity a priority if you have the time.
“It doesn’t have to be every week, but just having the opportunities builds connectedness,” Howard adds.
Impact on Parenting and Mental Health
In her clinical practice, Townsend has seen firsthand how even periodic connection can help a mother feel renewed, refreshed and energized.
She warns against a life solely focused on the children at the expense of the self.
“If you forget about you, then you’re not helping yourself be mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy,” Townsend says. “When you, as a person, can have better mental and emotional health, you’re actually going to be a better parent for your kid.”
Beyond emotional support, Townsend points out that friendships provide a practical network where resources can be shared, such as recommendations for a pediatrician, tutor or counselor.
Maintaining Healthy Friendships
Adult friendships require a specific kind of grace, particularly in motherhood.
In addition to friendship being a good fit, moms need friends who understand the need for flexibility — someone who won’t take it personally if a child-related issue leads to canceled plans.
Once a friendship is made, it’s important to maintain the momentum to keep this new friendship alive. Childs emphasizes “reciprocation is key,” suggesting friends stay in touch by checking in, planning meals or even just watching a movie together.
Howard advises being intentional with friendships — focusing on quality, not quantity.
Townsend explains in order for these friendships to remain healthy, they must be balanced.
“It’s good to make sure that there is a give and take in the relationship, that you don’t feel like you’re always doing everything,” she says. “Whether it is swapping childcare or offering a meal during a difficult week, the goal is a mutually beneficial partnership. These connections are an important investment. When the kids grow up, moms will still need connection with other people to continue to do life with.”
