Dealing with Disappointment: How to help your kids handle this common emotion

Dealing with Disappointment: How to help your kids handle this common emotion

- in 2024 Editions, Magazine, September 2024

As parents we want to protect our children from everything that can cause pain. Protecting them from disappointment is no different. Between friends, school, sports and unmet expectations, disappointment is a common emotion that children face. Therefore learning to handle it is a crucial skill for their emotional development. 

Sometimes when a child feels disappointment, a parent naturally wants to jump in and try to fix things. Ryan Edlind, M.S.W, father, licensed social worker, therapist and adjunct professor, advises parents against this. He explains that disappointment “can have a very positive impact on the child.”

Similarly, Lisa Starr, a second grade teacher at Berkshire Local School District and a health and fitness teacher, shared that parents tend to want to bubble their children up, but disappointment can create resiliency, which they will need as adults. Parents need to know how to address disappointment when it happens, when to step in to help, and if disappointment is happening at school, know when to involve the teacher.

In order for parents to be able to help their child deal with disappointment, they need to know when it happens. 

Starr encourages parents to be aware of how their children are behaving and if anything begins to change. If your children share something with you or you notice a difference in their behavior or mood, help your children name what they are feeling. 

Ask good questions

As your children develop the vocabulary to speak about what’s going on, Edlind says they can feel more confident expressing what they are feeling and why, and figuring out if there is anything they can do. He also provided these questions to ask: 

What are you disappointed about? 

What’s the hardest part about it? 

What are ways that you can deal with this disappointment?

Parents can also learn to ask good questions after the school day.

Starr suggests parents read through the newsletters and stay connected to the virtual communication systems. It may seem tedious, but that information can help parents ask good questions. Parents may not learn much if they just ask their child, “how is your day?” 

Instead, she provided the example, “I saw in the newsletter that you all are learning a new math game. Did you try that today? How did that go? I see that you’re doing new groups during reading. Who are you with and what are you learning?” These questions can begin to help your children remember different things they encountered and want to talk about.

Going through this process takes time for both the parent and child.

“It is best not to rush the process of letting the kids work through their disappointment,” says Karen Townsend, child and adolescent therapist. “If a child isn’t ready to talk about being disappointed, then parents can either give their child the space and/or engage in an activity with their child like coloring, building with Legos, shooting basketballs, cooking, or playing a board game. Kids will often open up while engaging in an activity because playing is part of how they process their thoughts and feelings.”

Reframe the disappointment

After your child verbalizes what happened, then you can help begin to reframe the disappointment and find the silver lining. 

“‘Maybe you didn’t get the grade you wanted on the spelling test, but you got three more correct this week than you did last week,” Starr says as an example. “Or, you worked so hard. Imagine what the outcome would have been if you hadn’t.’ By doing this we are helping kids see that we get to decide where we will focus and spend our time.”

Talking through disappointments can also help your children see alternatives. Helping children state what they feel can also help them figure out what they can do about it. For example, if a child is disappointed when a friend didn’t want to play at recess, Starr suggested that the parent could say, “You said she didn’t want to play with you at recess. Who did you play with? Oh you got to spend time with that person. Or, who can you look for to play with who may need a friend who you can be a friend to.”

Given that friendships are an area that can create disappointment, Townsend encourages parents to read books and find organic opportunities to talk to their children about friendship to help them learn what healthy friendships look like. For example, having conversations about characters in movies or shows and asking if the character is being a good friend or not and ways the character can respond to some of those difficult moments. 

Foster healthy ongoing communication

Sometimes parents can think things their kids are disappointed about are ridiculous or are not worthy of the feelings or disappointment. Parents have to resist the urge to dismiss their child’s feelings or minimize them.

“Even if it does seem like a small thing, or it’s not going to matter in the future, it matters today to your child,” Townsend says.

“Therefore, it’s important for parents to listen to their children and validate their feelings. This helps build trust and connection between the parent and child, and as the child gets older, the child will still want to share bigger issues with the parents.” 

She adds, “This doesn’t mean agreeing on everything. But, if a child feels dismissed early on, then kids kind of shut down, and they don’t think their parents are a safe person to go to. Being able to keep lines of communication open and as a parent focus on the long term goal of having a healthy relationship with your kids where they can come to you.”

Having healthy relationships and open lines of communication starts with what’s said and how we speak. What we say can cause our children to open up or shut down. 

Townsend suggests parents avoid saying things like, ‘It’s no big deal. Get over it. Stop crying.’ In that moment, the child may feel dismissed, or think those feelings aren’t ok. Instead, a more helpful thing can be to just give a hug, be there physically to support your child, or give your child a pat on the back. Consider saying, ‘I know how hard you tried. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, or I can see how disappointed you are. Do you want to tell me more about what happened today at school? Can I help you figure out what to do next time if this happens again?’ This is powerful, because you are supporting your child while helping him/her develop a growth mindset and to get back up again.

Develop a growth mindset

Knowing how to bounce back and deal with disappointment is important, because children need to know that life isn’t over after a disappointment and all of life isn’t going to be this way. 

Townsend encourages parents to help children learn this truth by sharing examples of people who have overcome challenges and disappointment so children see they aren’t alone when they experience disappointment, but they can continue to persevere and work through those things, and not let it set them back for life.

 She adds this can help children develop character and learn to try their best even though they won’t get everything they want. She recommended some books that parents could read with their children to help them understand how to work through disappointments:

“The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes” by Mark Pett and Gary Rubinstein 

“After The Fall: How Humpty Dumpty Got Back Up Again” by Dan Santat 

“Sally Sore Loser: A Story About Winning And Losing” by Frank J. Sileo 

“Get Unstuck from Disappointment (Kids Can Cope)” by Gill Hasson

These conversations aren’t easy, and at times they require parents to deal with their own disappointments so they can see clearly enough to help their children with theirs. Edlind says, “When parents mishandle their own disappointment and lash out at their child, this can disappoint their child. So it’s mission critical that a parent learns how to deal with their own disappointment.” 

If you lost your temper recently, please don’t beat yourself up. We are a work in progress. Even Starr says she’s still learning as an adult how to handle disappointment. This is good news, because parents and children have the beautiful opportunity to learn, stretch, and grow together.

About the author

Aisha Taylor is a single mother of twins who helps corporate moms create the financial foundations to support turning their idea to income so they can exit their full-time job, walk in purpose, and spend more time with their children. Aisha has been featured in Black Enterprise, Jet Magazine, ESSENCE, Go Banking Rates, and The Detroit Free Press. To connect with Aisha, visit www.myideatoincome.com or email [email protected].

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