I’ve spent the last 11 years ranking the entertainment that I share with my children on what I call The Usher Scale.
After a decade of research, I’m prepared to present my findings.
First of all, The Usher Scale received its name because I use the titles of Usher’s songs as guideposts. It could as easily be The T-Pain or Wu-Tang Scale.
The scale begins with “Let It Burn,” then ascends through “You Got It Bad,” “You Make Me Wanna,” “Yeah!” and — at the zenith — “My Boo.”
Second, my scale doesn’t rank quality. I would tell you that quality is an ineffable characteristic in entertainment. A book, movie or song resonates with you, and then you create a post hoc defense for that feeling. That defense may or may not invoke the notion of quality.
Instead, my scale merely asks, “How much do I enjoy this?” In a way, this hearkens back to The AV Club’s old Tolerability Index. (And if you’re young enough to not know The AV Club — sidebar: ouch — it hearkens back to when people would visit actual websites, instead of expecting TikTok, YouTube and Meta to fetch the pertinent parts of the internet for them.)
Let It Burn
We begin in the basement. This is where I stash the media that I both loathe and have a moral objection to.
My mom banned “The Simpsons” in our house when my siblings and I were kids. She objected to the parents’ portrayal. Her decision guaranteed that I would:
- Grow up isolated from my peers and their cultural touchstones.
- Watch “The Simpsons” whenever I was at a friend’s house.
At the time, I found my mother’s decision overbearing and lowkey embarrassing. Today, I recognize her as the founder of The Usher Scale.
This level only has a few denizens. I can dislike something without constructing a moral argument against it. But you’ll find:
- Any sitcom where the adults are stupid and the kids are all rude.
- Ostensibly educational shows that primarily exist to sell toys.
- Anything that’s sold in a blind box. (This is how we become addicted to gambling. We might as well let our kids play slots.)
You Got It Bad
This category houses the stuff that I merely dislike. I won’t write a sermon preaching against the Zombies movies, Katseye, or the YouTuber Pierson — but I’ll probably leave the room if any of
them are playing.
You Make Me Wanna
This level is filled with stuff that I liked, once upon a time. But my children’s enthusiasm for it outstripped my endurance.
This tier’s patron saint is “Frozen.” But it also contains Diary of a Wimpy Kid — both the books and movies — and most of the soundtrack to “KPop Demon Hunters.” (If you care, my exception is “Golden.” That’s a forever jam.)
Yeah!
I’d love this stuff even if I didn’t have kids. We’re talking about “Ask the Storybots,” BTS, the Junie B. Jones books, Harriet the Spy (both the book and the Apple TV show), “Golden,” and every episode of “Bluey” except for one.
My Boo
The “Pass the Parcel” episode of “Bluey.” These eight minutes represent the zenith of human accomplishment. I accept no rejoinders.
So next time you’re watching, reading or listening to something with your kids, feel free to use The Usher Scale. Or create a ranking system of your own.
Don’t think of it as a tool to hate on your kids’ favorite things. (That’s being a bummer.) Just let it be a fun way to think about what you share with your children.
