Elementary school friendships are far more than just play — they are crucial building blocks for a child’s social and emotional development. Yet, these early connections often present complex challenges for both kids and parents. So, how can families navigate the world of elementary school friendships?
Friendships Evolve and Change
Friendships change significantly as children grow. Elizabeth Viiberg, a therapist and licensed social worker, says, “When you’re itty bitty, friendships are more about shared toys and space, rather than attachment and shared interests. In elementary school, friendships become more selective, a little more stable, and have greater emotional investment as they gain more complex social-emotional and critical thinking skills.”
As kids mature, their interests shift, and sometimes friends move away. This can be difficult for children still learning to manage big emotions.
Samantha Good, a perinatal and nutrition specialized psychotherapist, suggests framing this by explaining that friendships often last “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Very few friendships fall into that last category, and that’s perfectly OK.”
Parents can support their children by validating their feelings and teaching them how to grieve these changes. Feeling sad or unsettled about evolving friendships is natural and OK.
Good recommends parents model resilience in their own relationships and by sharing experiences with evolving friendships. This helps children understand that change is a normal part of life, and that the kindness and skills they develop through friendships are what truly last.
Navigating Friendship Difficulties
Most human relationships face challenges, and elementary school friendships are no different.
Viiberg notes a significant gap in social skill development due to the pandemic, which now impacts current friendships. This comes in addition to the “extraordinary amount of emotional growth that brings about new challenges.”
“For example, elementary friendships have a bigger influence on identity than earlier relationships,” she says. “This is the first time exclusion, peer pressure, friendship breakups, etc. Top all that with different parenting styles, can easily lead to miscommunication and hurt feelings.”
Good highlights common challenges she observes: “exclusive ‘best friend’ dynamics, misunderstandings due to developing social awareness, and learning how to manage emotions like jealousy or disappointment.”
She adds that children at this age often exhibit all-or-nothing thinking, which is developmentally appropriate. For instance, a child might get stuck believing she can only have one friend. If that friend decides not to play with her one day, the child might conclude they’re no longer best friends. This can trigger friendship jealousy, insecurity, and even low self-esteem.
Good emphasizes that young elementary school children lack the “cognitive development, frontal lobe processing to say, ‘Joey probably just wanted to play with Sally today, and it’s not a big deal. I can play with Joey tomorrow.’”
She’s seen a significant rise in insecurity and low self-esteem at younger ages.
“Many kids today seem to struggle with a lack of social skills and confidence, which can make it harder for them to initiate or maintain friendships,” she adds. “I’m seeing children internalize negative self-beliefs much sooner — things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘no one wants to play with me.’”
The Impact of Social Media on Friendships
Technology and social media are increasingly part of many children’s lives, even at the elementary level. While
these tools can help kids stay connected,
they also bring challenges. Viiberg wants parents to understand that technology is a privilege, not owed. It’s OK to place limits, expect responsible use, and set clear expectations for behavior online.
Drawing from her work with teens, Good has seen how social media can become overwhelming or toxic. For younger children, she gently encourages parents to delay introducing technology and social media for as long as possible to support healthy development.
“We aren’t naturally designed for nonstop, surface-level interactions, and this can affect their ability to think critically, impact their self-esteem, and stir up feelings like envy,” she says. “If you think about how social media can affect you as an adult, it’s even more intense for a child whose brain and emotions are still growing.”
Technology can be a helpful tool when used thoughtfully. Parents should stay involved by knowing what their kids are doing online, having open conversations about their experiences, and teaching values like kindness and empathy both online and offline.
Good recommends parents set clear boundaries around screen time and make space for face-to-face interactions. While this may feel overwhelming, she encourages parents that, “It’s possible that technology can support friendships instead of getting in the way. It’s all about balance and thoughtful involvement.”
Key Signs of Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships
As elementary school children grow, it’s important for them to recognize the signs of both healthy and unhealthy friendships. Viiberg notes that children she works with identified indicators of healthy friendships as: kind words and actions, similar interests, being helpful or supportive, honesty, respect for their things, safe hands and body, listening, being a shoulder for tears, taking turns, and respecting their words. Conversely, unhealthy friendships, according to these children, include: not listening, being unable to handle emotions, selfishness, and hurtful behavior.
“Unhealthy friendships often involve a subtle but consistent power imbalance where one child is always in control,” Good says. “Your child feels anxious before interactions or she comes home feeling small, excluded, or confused by repeated ‘jokes’ at her expense.”
Sometimes children will try to earn friendship by going along with things that don’t feel good, or they’ll be afraid to say no.
“That’s when it starts to move into unhealthy territory,” she adds.
How Parents Can Help
Awareness is key. If you notice your child’s friendship trending toward unhealthy, trust your parental gut. If something feels off, it probably is.
“Be a safe, calm place for your child to talk, and then help them isolate what’s not feeling right,” Good says. “Sometimes, it’s easier for kids to see it clearly when they’re taken out of the situation.”
She recommends asking questions like:
“If Mommy said that to you, how would you feel?”“If you saw Daddy (or someone else) talk to me that way, what would your body do?”These small role-plays can help children identify uncomfortable dynamics without feeling defensive. If a friendship is veering into harmful territory.
“Help kids name the behavior, express how it makes them feel, and state what they want to be different,” Good says. “When children feel empowered to use their voice, they’re less likely to tolerate mistreatment.”
When a child feels left out, it’s particularly tough.
“As a mom, our instinct is to jump in and fix it to protect our kids from pain,” Good says. “That’s only natural.”
However, she cautions against sending the message that sadness or disappointment are emotions to avoid, as this can hinder resilience.
“This is where emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills come into play,” she says. “Helping kids learn to sit with difficult emotions, name them, and process them gives them lifelong tools.”
Good emphasizes the importance of not being a helicopter parent or a social engineer when it comes to friendships.
“Kids need space to navigate social dynamics and learn from their own experiences,” she says. “That said, parents should always be a listening ear and offer suggestions when asked.”
Establishing Boundaries and Forgiveness
Boundaries are crucial for friendships and in life. To teach children about boundaries, parents can explain that they are rules and limits we set to protect ourselves within relationships — including body safety.
“While boundaries are important, flexibility allows you to adapt and grow, creating healthier connections with others,” Viiberg says. Assertiveness skills balance rigid and porous boundaries, helping a person create healthy boundaries that respect both their own needs and the needs of others. Role-playing, stories, books, and media are excellent visual aids. It’s important to have a communication plan, such as the Trusted Circle approach (identifying 3-5 adults they can turn to) or creating a “Friend’s House Safety Checklist.”
Safety is the non-negotiable boundary.
“If your child is not emotionally safe, or if you notice signs of depression or distress, it’s time to step in,” Good says, adding that for younger children, she encourages reaching out to other parents to work through challenges together.
While ending a friendship can be difficult, Good adds. “It’s also OK, and sometimes necessary, to help kids walk away from friendships that aren’t healthy.”
However, it’s equally important to teach them to stick it out when conflicts are just misunderstandings.
“In today’s culture, where ‘canceling’ is common, we risk teaching kids to cut ties too quickly instead of working through tough emotions or disagreements,” she says. “I’ll never encourage anyone to stay in an unsafe relationship, but it’s also vital to pause, listen, and try to understand the other person’s heart before deciding to walk away.”
Nicole Levy, executive director of Luther Memorial School, highlights the importance of actively teaching and practicing reconciliation.
“Giving them the words to say is one thing, but helping them to understand that forgiveness doesn’t just make the hurt go away is an important part of it, too,” she says.
Levy emphasizes that “forgiveness is something that we do even if it is something that we don’t feel right away. It can take time and effort to move past being hurt.”
It’s also important in reconciliation for children to learn how to make a meaningful apology if they wronged another person and understand what they are apologizing for.
When a Child Struggles to Make Friends
Every child is different, and it’s natural for parents to worry when their child prefers solitude or isn’t as outgoing as others.
“If your child isn’t showing signs of depression or anxiety, there’s usually no cause for concern,” Good says.
Many children thrive with smaller social circles or solitary play, and that’s perfectly healthy. Regularly check in with your child about how he feels in social settings. Most
importantly, respect your child’s unique temperament and pace. Pushing too hard can increase anxiety and resistance. The goal is to offer support, create opportunities, and provide acceptance, helping your child build meaningful connections on his own terms.
Model Healthy Behavior
Viiberg reminds parents, “You can’t teach your kids what you don’t know.” If parents struggle with emotional regulation, communication or conflict resolution, their children likely will, too, as “behavior is learned.” Therefore, learning how to react with intentionality and responsiveness instead of on autopilot is an important skill.
“A calm and curious response will always yield a better outcome than a knee-jerk reaction driven by stress or habit,” she advises.
“As parents, we can model good communication and gently guide them through tricky moments, helping them learn how to resolve conflicts and offering comfort when they’re sad or grieving,” Good says. She acknowledges that it won’t be perfect, and “that’s OK. They’re learning, just like we all do, but with a developing brain and limited life experience.”
Her final advice is to “allow children to experience the ups and downs of friendship with gentle support, rather than stepping in to fix everything. Patience and compassion, for your child and yourself, are key, as these early lessons set the stage for all future relationships. Your role is to support, not control, by listening, modeling kindness and offering guidance when needed.”
