Some of the best parenting advice I’ve ever received wasn’t intended as parenting advice. Nor did it come from a parent (to the best of my knowledge.)
Thom Zahler is an award-winning comic book creator and animation writer who lives in Lake County. Back when I was a journalist — about two jobs ago — I had the pleasure of interviewing him. At the time, Zahler was best known for his romcom comic Love and Capes. It’s the story of a superhero and indie bookstore owner (decidedly unsuperpowered) dealing with dating, exes, and occasionally supervillains.
Because Zahler was writing and drawing a romantic comedy, I asked him for his best relationship advice. And he shared this slice of sagacity.
“You don’t have to love what your loved one loves. But you can’t hate it.”
(Thom, pardon me if I paraphrase. It’s been more than a decade.)
It was excellent romantic advice that I remembered while watching “Storage Wars” and picking restaurants for date night.
It turned out to be invaluable parenting wisdom, too. Because my wife’s tastes may differ from mine, but it’s like the Star Wars/Star Trek debate. The real answer is always “both.”
But my kids… they’ve loved some things that try my soul.
Rainbow High dolls, Labubus, Descendants…
It’s easy (and satisfying) to condescend. “We had much better taste when we were kids,” etc.
But that won’t persuade your kid to love Labubus any less. Worse, it makes them feel like they can’t share that thing they love with you.
And sometimes the object you loathe — even if your gripes are rational — may have an unforeseeable upside.
For example, I do not enjoy the Descendants movies (except for the three minutes and 14 seconds in which Sofia Carson sings “Chillin’ Like a Villain.”) And it’s not just that I’m tired of Disney reheating its nachos and calling it a meal.
No, I have an actual moral qualm with Descendants. (Get ready to clutch your pearls.)
For those of you who have never seen Descendants — why are you reading a parenting column if you clearly don’t have kids? — I’ll summarize the plot in a paragraph.
Bad Girl Mal casts a love spell on Good Boy Ben, so she can manipulate him. Ben discovers that he’s been enchanted but decides that he doesn’t care. Because — get this — he likes Mal anyhow. Then Bad Girl Mal grows into Good Girl Mal and they live happily ever after… eventually.
There’s a lot more Disney intellectual property and an inexecrable cover of “Be Our Guest,” but that’s the gist.
My misgivings about Descendants stem from Mal’s lack of consequences. (Yes, I’ve become my mother.) She basically gives Ben the magical equivalent of GHB and she’s somehow the hero of the story.
What could I do when my daughter experienced a full-on Descendants phase? I’m talking about mainlining the movies, constantly jamming to the soundtrack, and dressing as Mal for Halloween.
Well, first, I took a deeeeeep breath. Then I asked her what she liked about the movie. She talked about the music and costumes. She especially liked a character named Evie who designs her own clothing.
Then she asked me what I thought about Descendants, and I shared my concerns about Mal’s choices. I don’t know if she agreed with me, but she heard me out. And that doesn’t happen if I start by insulting her taste in cinema.
But my story doesn’t end there. Descendants — whether I liked the movie or not — inspired my daughter. She started customizing her own clothing like Evie. She even created her own logo!
We’ve spray painted shirts together, bedazzled jackets and customized shoes.
And that all started with not hating Descendants.
So hang in there when your kid yums something you yuck. Ask what they enjoy about it. See how it influences them. Now, if that movie, videogame or YouTuber turns out to be a bad influence, address the behavior. But that’s different from hating something outright.
After all, we never know what’s going to inspire our children. And you can’t connect to your kid if you refuse to relate to them.
Besides, in a couple of years, they’ll probably be embarrassed by everything they like now anyhow.
