Why It’s Not Always Fine to Say ‘You’ll Be Fine’ to an Anxious Child

Why It’s Not Always Fine to Say ‘You’ll Be Fine’ to an Anxious Child

- in Ages & Stages, Featured, Health, Parenting
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Child therapists in Cleveland, OhioPhoto credit: Henrikke Due via Unsplash

It’s been a really long week and your child was invited to sleep at a friend’s house, offering you some well-needed adult time. You’ve been looking forward to this night since the second you said, “Yes,” to the invitation. As you’re preparing to drop your child off, he or she says, “I’m really nervous about the sleepover. I’m not sure I want to go.” With a hug and a kiss, your parting words are “Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine.”

Other than not being very helpful, what’s wrong with this phrase? I’ve certainly said it plenty of times thinking that I’m providing the reassurance my child is seeking. If you have an anxious child, however, there are much better ways of responding that aren’t “doing the disorder” as one of my favorite therapists, Lynn Lyons, LISW, says. Anxiety wants reassurance – an endless, multiplying and shape-shifting supply of it. When you say, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,” you’re not acknowledging what your child is experiencing (distress, concern, fear, etc.) and are giving in to the reassurance his or her anxiety – or “worry bully” – wants.

So what’s a better way to respond? Ideally, you should validate what your child is feeling, communicate that you believe he or she can handle the situation (or handle it better than your child thinks he or she can), and together devise a plan to get through it. “It’s normal to feel nervous before a sleepover. I remember feeling that way when I was your age, too. Why don’t we come up with a plan, so you have some tools to help deal with it and have a good time.”

For an anxious child, the content of his or her worries (why he or she doesn’t want to go) are generally not important, so I encourage you not to spend a lot of time on them as their focus will shift. Rather, concentrate on:

  • Supportive communication (validating, plus expecting more than your child thinks he or she can do)
  • Decreasing his or her accommodating behaviors
  • Helping your child become an autonomous problem solver

As parents, we want to be able to fix everything for kids. But, eventually, they have to learn to cope with anxiety on their own. It’s is the most effective way for your child to truly “be fine” moving forward.

 

Joanna Hardis, LISW, is a cognitive behavioral therapist in Shaker Heights. Connect with her on Instagram and Facebook. Or learn more about how she can help you and your family at joannahardis.com.

About the author

Joanna Hardis, LISW, is a cognitive behavioral therapist and Gestalt-certified coach. A mother of three, she combines her personal parenting with her 20+ years of professional experience. She breaks down the evidence-based research into down-to-earth guidance and support. Her specialties are treating adults and children who have anxiety disorders or obsessive compulsive spectrum disorders, are going through life transitions (like life after divorce), or who would like help with their parenting skills. She also offers coaching services for those who want help reaching their goals. Coaching generates change by creating awareness and then offering a different way of being and doing. Joanna lives in Cleveland Heights with her three children and their, dog Giggsy. Learn more about Joanna at joannahardis.com Follow Giggsy on Instagram: @giggsy.annyong.the.dog

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