Your happy elementary school student suddenly becomes a tween in middle school. It’s no secret to parents that during those years, your child will see a lot of changes, not just academically, but also emotionally and physically.
“Due to the enormous changes in their brain development at this stage, it is totally normal for us to see a sharp increase in the intensity of their emotional experiences, expressed in both the highs and the lows being much more pronounced,” says Emily Geier, a licensed social worker at the Shaker Heights City School District. “It’s not so much that their ‘hormones are raging,’ as it is that their brains are becoming much more complex in the emotional and social realms.”
Also, middle schoolers’ priorities are changing, Geier says. Increased independence and social connection with peers are becoming their main drivers, and while that entails a separation of various intensity from parents and guardians, that separation does not mean they don’t still need those grownups. Parents and guardians shouldn’t take that separation as personal rejection, but rather maintain a steady presence with them.
Geier provided seven other tips for parents to consider when navigating this changing emotional time for this age group:
Listen and empathize. “We want them to know we believe in their ability to face obstacles and make healthy decisions,” Geier says. By listening and refraining from jumping in with advice, we show children we aren’t taking away their agency to manage discomfort or stress.
Show them our appreciation for independence and displays of character. “Add frequent expressions of delight in them and appreciation for who they are, just as they are,” Geier says. “Without impulsively jumping in to save them, our kids then grow in confidence, autonomy and sense of resilience.”
Apologize. Oh, this is a tough one, isn’t it? Your authority will not dissipate if you expose the weakness of being wrong. “Admitting fault does not give our child power over us. Quite the opposite is true. We model strength and the true power that comes from admitting and learning from mistakes,” she says.
Take the game on the road. Sometimes, early teens view true face-to-face conversations — in their bedrooms, at the kitchen table — as intimidating. Geier suggests moving the conversation to a more relaxing place. “Taking a drive, walking the dog, hiking in nature, baking their favorite goodies together, or watching a favorite show with them are examples of circumstances where they might feel less anxious, embarrassed or pressured,” she says.
Embrace digital communication. Yes, there are well-founded concerns about cell phones and digital communication among middle school students. But, meeting them where they are helps. “Texting with our teens can help foster more openness. It relieves the pressure of face-to-face interactions where they are compelled to come up with an answer to our questions right away,” Geier says.
Leave the light on. Yes, just like Motel 6, Geier points out. Give them space but find ways to let them know you’ll be there when they need you. “If and when they do share some of the ‘messy’ things happening in their lives, it helps not to rehash and harp on what we feel were mistakes or bad decisions that are now in the past, but instead to move forward as a supporter of problem solving and solutions for repairing and coping.”
Develop a support network with other parents. You’re not alone in this perceived “battle.” “This can be a time of increased feelings of isolation and anxiety, but we can find enormous relief and a huge benefit in authentic connection with other people on the same journey,” Geier says. “Many times parents feel awkward or embarrassed to share what’s actually happening and how it feels, but this is often replaced by the reassuring recognition that we are not alone.”
